Lessons on Courage
What does courage mean to you? What does it look, sound, and feel like in action?
For me, courage is an act of moving forward despite the fear within warning you to stop or retreat. At least, that’s what I thought I needed to embrace more when I chose courage as my word of the year for 2020. In a year that incited massive amounts of fear and uncertainty, courage as a guiding word taught me there’s more to courage than strength in the face of fear and pain.
When I was a young, Alaskan elementary school student we had a field trip to watch the salmon migrate. I can’t remember if we witnessed their journey to the ocean or their return to the rivers, but I do remember that salmon swim upstream to spawn future generations—the salmon run being the beginning and the end of their life cycle.
Visiting the Philippines and coming back home in February 2020, right before COVID-19 lockdowns started in the States, felt like the beginning and end of a certain phase in my life. On one hand, I felt like an adult salmon that’s lived its life, ready to pass the torch onto the next generation. On the other, I was the next generation, ready to grow and traverse the ocean and, hopefully, make it back home after a long life to keep the cycle going.
2020, my year of courage, wasn’t what any of us had planned.
Milestones were rescheduled and canceled and reimagined. Jobs were taken and offered and lost once more. Connection, purpose, everyday phrases were defined and redefined over and over again. The uncertainty, the fear, the loss, the grief came in ripples and waves and floods. Some days felt like standing in the midst of a whiteout. Through the storm, our individual and collective resilience shined through like a beacon.
There were days I felt like I would lose strength and be swept away, back into the ocean, gone with a mouthful of saltwater. But like the salmon, I kept swimming towards the scent of home, towards a sense of Self.
Thucydides said, “The secret to happiness is freedom. And the secret to freedom is courage.” Stepping into courage and out of fear gave me the freedom to pay off my debt, travel to the motherland, and stray away from trading one job for another. Stepping out of what was comfortable allowed me to walk my own path, courageously, to live fully as my whole self, regardless of what other people thought, said, didn’t say, or were doing differently. Courage, freedom, living authentically and aligned with my values unlocked a deep happiness within dark and difficult times.
Memories of my pre-Covid travels gave me strength and joy during quarantine and unrest.
In 2020, my boyfriend and I took our first international trip together. We went to Japan where we got to know my father’s side of the family, visit shrines and temples, and eat as much as possible—warm miso soup, chewy shiratama dango, homemade karaage and curry and chicken adobo.
Shinmachimitake Shrine, Ome, Tokyo, Japan
My ninang (aunt/godmother) taking a phone call on my last day in Japan.
© 2020-2021 | Anjeliqueca
I went to the Philippines by myself where my ninong (uncle/godfather) took me to Palawan and we heard stories of our Lola Ampy’s family, the maternal great-grandmother I grew up with in Alaska. The lola who would pick me up from the end of one duplex and walk me to the other end while my parents worked. The lola who would feed me pan de sal and let me dip it in her coffee. The lola I stole sips from her flat, golden Pepsi when she would ask me to return it to the fridge.
My ninong took me to Aguinaldo Shrine where I walked through Emilio Aguinaldo’s house in Cavite, a holy experience for a child with the KA tattooed on her wrist. The child of a mother who called Cavite home and would play through the secret passages now closed to the public.
Aguinaldo Shrine, Kawit, Cavite, Philippines
The ancestral home of Emilio Aguinaldo, the first President of the Philippines.
© 2020-2021 | Anjeliqueca
Aguinaldo Shrine, Kawit, Cavite, Philippines
”Aguinaldo, the man and the mansion, has created identities that stand on their own yet are correlated to one another. The man became president of the First Philippine Republic, while the mansion served as the locus where the Proclamation of Philippine Independence from Spain took place. The mansion carries the name of the man; it has become more than just a historic space. It has become a place of identity, to the community that surrounds it and to the nation that saw Aguinaldo as the unifying leader on the road to independence. The Aguinaldo Shrine fashioned these narratives that has transcended the limits of ethnic identities and nation-state that have evolved through the shrine’s 190 years of existence. The shifting of identity is not seamless, but a transition that is an amalgam of what we call the Emilio Aguinaldo Shrine.”
- Emilio Aguinaldo Shrine: Identity on a Shifting Landscape Exhibit
We toured Intramuros with all its levels, including the grounds where José Rizal was imprisoned and executed.
Intramuros, Manila, Philippines
Viewing Intramuros from a tricycle is a must.
© 2020-2021 | Anjeliqueca
Rizal Shrine, Fort Santiago, Intramuros, Manila, Philippines
View from the entrance to Rizal Shrine in Fort Santiago where José Rizal was imprisoned and executed by the Spaniards during the Philippine Revolution.
© 2020-2021 | Anjeliqueca
Rizal Shrine, Fort Santiago, Intramuros, Manila, Philippines
“Now that you have responded to our first appeal in the interest of the welfare of the people; now that you have set an example to those who, like you, long to have their eyes opened and be delivered from servitude, new hopes are awakened in us and we now even dare to face adversity, because we have you for our allies and are confident of victory.”
- Rizal to the women of Malolos, 1889
In Quezon City, I paid my respects to my late paternal grandparents—nineteen years too late. We said prayers for my grandma’s one-year death anniversary as several pictures of a younger me stared back at 26-year-old me through the coffee table’s glass.
In 2020, I explored a part of my ancestry, culture, and story I’ve been searching for in ways I could only touch through books or TFC or other Filipino’s memories in America.
Then, I packed my bags with pasalubong and flew across the ocean towards home.
I came home to a place that is mine, but not mine. To a state I have lived in, but is not my birth state nor the state that fills in my fondest childhood memories. To a country I inherited citizenship by birth, but does not always treat me as one of its own.
“The secret to happiness is freedom. And the secret to freedom is courage.”
I came home expecting the freedom to roam like I had roamed on the other side of the world, but instead the whole world was tasked with staying indoors, just like we are tasked now to stay safe at home almost a year later.
Parts of me didn’t and still don’t mind this prolonged seclusion because it gives me the freedom to slow down and be still, to play and be messy, to be completely me—hoodie, sweats, messy hair, beanie, and all—without the constant observation (and judgment) of other people. To explore and redefine what it even means to be me: first-generation Filipina-American, blogger and writer, coach and creator, and my favorite, a ship at sea weathering uncharted waters in search of safety, opportunity, and abundance for me, my people, and our future generations.
To claim who I am feels like an act of rebellion and sovereignty, like swimming upstream; it feels contradictory, but it is also a birthright.
Claiming my ancestry, my history, and my Self with all its contradictions is an act of courage. Trekking my own path at my own pace, like and unlike the ancestors before me, is an act of courage. Living courageously is not just showing strength in the face of pain or grief, it is also the celebration of everything you are and the exploration of everything you can be.
Q: So, my friend, what does courage mean to you? What does it look, sound, feel, and taste like?
When you’re ready to share, I’d love to hear and see you for all that you are and all that you can be.
This post goes well with:
Lessons on Confidence | Word of the Year 2021
9 Lessons Kindness Taught Me | Word of the Year 2019
