7 Lessons Learned at 27
“Self-care without community is incomplete.”
Over and over, this line drums its beat.
If 26 was spent in physical and social isolation, 27 was centered around community.
Without going into detail, I’ve experienced some of life’s highest highs and lowest lows in the last year. Yet, I feel more peaceful and fulfilled than I’ve ever been before. The extremes of this life are tempered by the perspectives and support of many kind souls.
Adventure & Friendship
2020 vision board featuring 2021 memories in Oakland.
© 2021 | Anjeliqueca
In looking back at a vision board from 2020, I see adventure and friendship materializing in ways I could never imagine. As each wish within a picture comes to life, I am reminded of the goodness in people as individuals and the goodness in people coming together. As I reflect back on 27 after ringing in 28 with some of my favorite people in some of my favorite places, where there were once deep voids, kapwa shines through.
“Kapwa is a recognition of a shared identity, an inner self, shared with others. This Filipino linguistic unity of the self and the other is unique and unlike in most modern languages. Why? Because implied in such inclusiveness is the moral obligation to treat one another as equal fellow human beings. If we can do this—even starting in our own family or our circle of friends—we are on the way to practice peace. We are Kapwa People.” — Professor Virgilio Enriquez, the Father of Filipino Psychology
27 has brought me closer to my roots and, at times, brought me full circle a million times over.
Past, present, and future have collided and burst, creating bright constellations of memories I’ll forever cherish in spite of black holes I’d love to leave behind. Through it all, kapwa keeps the threads together.
In my younger twenties, I learned the concept of ka as unity. In my mid-to-late-twenties, I’m learning that kapwa is the unity we share in space. Physical space. Virtual space. Spiritual, mental, and emotional space. Kapwa is the space where we can hold both self and humanity. Without kapwa, we are incomplete.
In simpler terms, the self must include community.
Why? Well, without community, who would we be? In contrast, with community, who can we become? What do we have the strength to do?
These are the questions that bounce between past, present, and future. These are the questions that linger. While I cannot answer these questions for you, I can share what I’ve learned in the process of staying curious and staying connected with kapwa in mind.
“Kapwa is the space where we can hold both self and humanity.”
Here are my 7 lessons learned at 27:
Self-care must include community care.
True self-care isn’t only about self-soothing and self-indulgence. True self-care requires discipline. It requires doing the hard things: self-care as nourishing relationships through thick and thin, self-care as asking for help and being willing to listen. True self-care is not isolated; it is shared.
Inner work is interconnected.
The work that we do to better ourselves has the ability to better our communities, even if it may be through one fellow human at a time.
Giving graciously requires reciprocity. Otherwise, giving becomes martyrdom.
Giving doesn’t have to require struggle. Giving can be done with ease and in ways that are fulfilling for all parties. When we give without the ability to receive, we do not better ourselves and the collective. Instead, we feed the systems and forces that keep us segregated and alone.
Boundary work will ask you to find the balance between self-preservation and selfishness.
A lesson I’m still learning, a balance I’m still finding… Boundaries are difficult to create, maintain, and re-imagine. Yet, boundaries are also the mechanisms that keep us from losing ourselves in the collective. With boundaries, we achieve a more compassionate and kind kapwa—one that moves us closer to peace, together.
Express gratitude over habitual apologies.
Oftentimes, we have nothing to be sorry for and much to be thankful for. Let us express gratitude instead of mindless “I’m sorry,” after “I’m sorry,” that we utter to keep ourselves small.
Apologizing requires both integrity and empathy.
If we can express gratitude, we must also have the ability to sincerely apologize. A sincere apology isn’t an excuse; it is one that allows us to put our ego aside in order for us to understand one another.
Support comes in many forms.
Support is time, money, love, and kindness. Support is a stranger wishing you a good day, or a dear friend making you laugh. Support is the rain after a drought and a rainbow amidst the clouds. Support may even be the wind prompting you to pay attention.
“Restless” - 10/11/2021
Air and earth and autumn skies and browning leaves;
Ripening persimmons and fallen seeds;
Cats on rooftops and cats under bushes and koi swimming peacefully
—winter is coming in quick with the breeze
But high winds are here bringing
Possibilities
Restless are we
The winds and me.
© 2021 | Anjeliqueca
Thank you for reading through to the end, especially as the lessons this year may not be straightforward. But, when is life ever clear-cut? When is life ever truly black or white, and not a mixture of both?
A boy once told me that I am full of contradictions, and I feel like you might be saying the same. But, maybe, I am full of the unions between contradictions, and kapwa is how I make sense of it all. Kapwa is how we become more whole.
