6 Lessons Learned at 26
26 may not have been my finest year, but I did experience tremendous shifts.
It’s 2020, so big change is a given. Although, imagining the world without the pandemic, I can still say I experienced major transformations this year. 26 shook things up for me, partly pandemic-related but mostly because I don’t think I’ve ever pushed my comfort zones further.
When we’re pushing comfort zones, there’s always a lot to learn.
Here are some of the lessons I learned at 26:
Identifying ways in which I self-sabotage with curiosity and non-judgment helps me live the life I want.
I imagine self-sabotage as bad habits on steroids, like picking pimples that result in acne scars then conflating the blemish into a representation of your lack of beauty, worth, or self-esteem. Picking pimples is a bad habit, but fueling the cognitive distortions that you aren’t beautiful and, therefore, you’ll never be comfortable in your skin so why bother trying is self-sabotage. If low self-esteem doesn’t resonate, self-defeating behaviors also include procrastination and perfectionism.
The more I pushed my comfort zones this year, the more I became aware of self-limiting behaviors and beliefs. Instead of staying stuck in the negative thought spirals or avoidance cycles, I practiced mindfulness techniques to acknowledge the behaviors without judgment as if I was watching each behavior as a leaf on a stream passing by. Once I was in a more self-regulated state where I was calmer and more open-minded, I investigated the self-sabotaging behavior with curiosity.
Some questions to unpack self-sabotaging behaviors:
Why am I engaging in this behavior or identifying with this thought?
What triggers these behaviors and thoughts?
What are the consequences of these habits and thought patterns?
How would I feel if I stopped these self-defeating patterns?
What small steps can I take to replace self-sabotaging behaviors and thoughts with more positive habits and mindsets that bring me closer to my values and goals?
One of the most important lessons I learned at 26 is that by approaching challenges with curiosity and non-judgment, I break down self-imposed barriers blocking me from creating the life I want to live.
Resource for practicing non-judgment: Leaves on a Stream Exercise
Comparison is the thief of joy, but gratitude and presence bring her back.
Another self-sabotaging behavior of mine that I unpacked this year is comparison. Starting a blog and increasing my social media presence also increased my screen time which meant more chances to compare. From traveling to quarantine, I felt like I was doing both wrong.
As I watched my little cousins play or listened to my aunts speak a mixture of Japanese, Tagalog and English, I felt like I should be doing something more “exciting” or “adventurous.” I went as far as to feel like I disappointed people when I chose not to do “typical” travel things, like going on tours or ziplining or snorkeling. All these feelings came from comparing myself to other people’s stories, photos, and expectations of what traveling should be like, rather than focusing on how happy I was simply being with my family.
“There are two paths in life: should and must. We arrive at this crossroads over and over again. And every day, we get to choose.” - Elle Luna, The Crossroads of Should and Must: Find and Follow Your Passion
I felt, and still sometimes feel, the same way with quarantine. While people seemed to be safely hanging out or traveling, having Zoom happy hours, or baking all types of bread, I found myself questioning, what am I doing wrong? The more time I spent on social media or on the news or even talking to friends, I kept building this narrative of what quarantine should be like.
When I focus on being present and grateful, however, I realize that I’m not competing with anyone and I don’t need to live my life by should statements. What makes other people happy doesn’t have to make me happy and that’s perfectly okay. It feels so much better to cheer someone on for their accomplishments and for doing whatever brings them joy than it does to bemoan not having the same accomplishments or doing the same things.
Reading for stepping away from “shoulds”: The Crossroads of Should and Must: Find and Follow Your Passion
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Sometimes knowing doesn’t equal change.
Study after study tells us that eating well, sleeping well, and exercising are crucial to health, well-being, and even happiness. Does knowing the data actually help me eat better, sleep better, and exercise more? No, not always.
I even took The Science of Well-Being, a popular and free class on Coursera taught by Dr. Laurie Santos. My behavior changed for a portion of the class, but afterwards? I was back to bad habits. I’m not saying the class is ineffective in helping you change your behaviors to live a happier life, but it’s precisely what Dr. Laurie Santos teaches—annoying features of the mind—that clarifies why it’s so hard to make lasting behavioral changes that make us happier.
Source: Giphy
One of the introductory lessons Dr. Laurie Santos teaches is that knowing is not enough to create change. She and her colleague, Tamar Gendler, call this learning the G.I. Joe Fallacy because knowing is not half the battle.
Despite learning the benefits of sleep and exercise, or the detriments of social comparison, actually changing my habits and behaviors is still difficult. I am, however, less hard on myself because now I know that knowing is not half the battle and there are a slew of techniques I’ve added to my toolkit that can help create change in my life.
50% off your first course: Coursera (Psst, The Science of Well-Being is free unless you want the certificate of completion.)
Taking time away from social media boosts my mental well-being.
With less opportunities to physically connect with people safely, social media tools are a lifeline for social connection, but they don’t come without downsides. As I learned in The Science of Well-Being, we’re the generation with multiple outlets for social comparison. What we see on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, etc. are all potential points of social comparison that can affect our self-esteem and happiness. As my screen time continually increased, I observed a decrease in my overall mental health. When I decreased my screen time, my mental well-being increased. I go into more detail on my social media break in a whole post with lessons and tips for taking time off social media if you want to know more.
Documentary about social media: The Social Dilemma
Focus less on the outcomes.
As a goal-oriented person and a planner myself, all the uncertainty and unexpected circumstances this year have made focusing on outcomes exhausting; there’s just so many unknowns. It’s not just the pandemic that’s teaching me to focus less on the outcome, but my travels, too.
Just before my 26th birthday, I went to Hawaii with my family for the first time. Of course, they wanted to experience a luau. Just as the show started and people were lined up for food, it started to shower—a light drizzle at first and then it was pouring. I had barely taken a bite of pineapple cake when we had to seek shelter. If I was focused on the outcome of fully experiencing a luau from beginning to end, I’d be disappointed. But, I honestly had more fun getting caught in the rain, listening to the pitter patter, and breathing in the cool, stormy air.
The journey isn’t always great, but when we’re constantly focused on the outcome, we risk losing out on the moments that are good.
Video for focusing less on the outcome: The Values-Focused vs The Goals-Focused Life
Appreciate the journey more.
When I focus on the journey, I find moments of joy and comfort and excitement. When I focus on the process, there’s room for curiosity and flexibility and play. In pursuing downtime, travel, and happiness this year, I feel my tunnel vision expanding to take in the beauty and brightness of the bigger picture.
Travel changes became opportunities for wandering streets, getting caught in the rain, and listening to 2-year-olds singing Frozen 2 songs in Japanese and English on repeat. Days stuck at home became opportunities to cuddle more, take classes, and play childhood classics, like Bust-A-Move.
Sometimes the detours are more enjoyable than the destination and appreciating the journey helps us find the optimism even in the darkest times.
Mantra for appreciating the journey: “I can dance, skip, and pause on the path. Run or walk are not my only options.”
“I can dance, skip, and pause on the path. Run or walk are not my only options.”
If you made it this far, thank you for reading! I can’t wait to continue sharing my adventures with y'all and hear your adventures, too.