The Power of Honesty
When was the last time you were truly honest with yourself?
I love a good question. One question I’m pondering is, “When was I last honest with myself? What did I learn? What can I learn from practicing honesty now?”
The last time I wrote about practicing honesty was a year ago. I was in a state of transition: something was ending and many things were yet to begin. In a sense, we were all about to enter a state of transition if we weren’t in one already. On a global scale, we were about to enter lockdown. On a personal note, I had no clue what was ending and what was beginning.
Despite not knowing, I am in awe of the woman I was a year ago. I am grateful to the younger me who had no idea what was to come and who knew exactly what she needed to know at that moment.
The power of honesty is clarity. The power of clarity is acceptance and expansion.
If you want to change a habit, start with honesty. If you want to make a change, whether it be small or drastic, start with honesty. To get to where you want to be, pause for a moment and practice honesty.
When we practice honesty, we might experience guilt or shame. We might focus on the “not enough-ness,” or on what we’re lacking, or on our mistakes and failures. Pain may be a side-effect of honesty, so we may resist practicing honesty in order to resist experiencing pain.
As humans, we experience what experts call “negativity bias.”
Negativity bias is the tendency to look for or dwell on the negative. In a Positive Psychology class I took recently, Noelle Cordeaux, CEO and co-founder of JRNI Coaching Intensive, describes negativity bias as “looking at the negative as a self-protection mechanism, a left-over mechanism.” In other words, negativity bias is a survival trait we’ve inherited from our ancestors. In a more modern age, our negativity bias is showing when we focus on that single piece of critical feedback amongst heaps of praise. Our negativity bias is also showing when we find ourselves doomscrolling, on the hunt for threats. In a timeless perspective, our negativity bias is showing when we assume that anything different is bad or has the ability to cause harm.
Truthfully, anything has the potential to cause harm. Too much of a good thing can cause harm. Even the best intentions can have negative impacts. What matters is the mindset we take on.
Different doesn’t have to be bad. Honesty doesn’t have to be painful. When practicing honesty, it is equally important to practice objectivity and neutrality. Once we make room for objectivity and neutrality, we make space for positive possibilities.
Shifting from negativity bias to neutrality to positive thinking is a continuous process; it is a habit that must be consciously established, practiced, and refined. When thinking positively, we’re going against our default evolutionary setting, so the work is challenging. Doing the work is also extremely rewarding.
At the other end of honesty is evolution.
Year-ago-me had the foresight to sit with discomfort. She chose awareness over ignorance. She chose hope over dread. She chose honesty over ego. Excuse me while I give my younger self a “Hell yeah.”
Younger me knew she was on the verge of transformation. She remembered caterpillars turn into butterflies with time. She recognized evolution is every bit as messy as it is beautiful. She let herself be, in the moment, observing anything that came up as non-judgmentally as possible.
A year later, I’m nowhere closer to predicting where I may be a year from now, nor am I interested in predicting the future. Instead, I cultivate the courage to continue embracing the unknown and hoping that present me knows exactly what I need to know.
In practicing honesty now, I know what needs work. I know my blind spots and I know my failures. I know my strengths, my inherent worth, and my accomplishments. I know what is ending, what I’m saying good-bye to, and what boundaries I’m creating. I also know that I’m making space for all the positive possibilities—the ones I can imagine and the ones I can’t yet fathom.
By practicing honesty, we gain clarity on our blind spots and our strengths. By gaining clarity, we are more accepting and more open to change. When we are ready to accept what is, we are more ready to welcome what can be. When we are honest, we are more ready to evolve.
A Guide to Cultivating the Power of Honesty
Here are the tangible, practical ways I practice honesty in my life. Try what interests you, leave what doesn’t, and be open to experimenting different ways to cultivate honesty in your life.
Have the conversation: “Am I being truly honesty with myself?”
Write your answer in a stream of consciousness. Grab another chair, metaphorically or literally, and talk it out with yourself. Maybe you meditate on it. Ask the question and see where it leads you.
When “negativity” shows up, name it.
What are you feeling? What are you remembering? Whose voice do you hear? Sit with whatever comes up. Get to know whatever comes up. Maybe you find space for neutrality. Maybe you even make space for compassion. Be open to making space for negativity instead of resisting, suppressing or running away from negativity. In doing so, you make room for negativity to shift and transform into something else.
Appreciate past and present you.
What have you accomplished because of your past efforts or mindsets? What current effort, big or small, can you acknowledge now? Give yourself a pat on the back, a “hell yeah,” or a well-deserved look of approval. If you feel a little silly, you’re on the right track.
Send a letter to future you.
Envision where you might be a year from now. Dream with her about faraway futures as if you’re already there. Tell her what you need to hear. Let her in on your deepest desires. Dwell in the land of possibility.
Commit to one small action of honesty.
Admit you need to make a change. Maybe you need to get more sleep or get more sun. Whatever it is you need, name it. Then, make a conscious effort to take the smallest step you can to make that change happen—consistently, intentionally, and with great determination. The smaller the action, the better.
Before you roll your eyes, I’m not saying don’t take big leaps. If you feel called to take a big leap or if big leaps are the easiest, most enjoyable ways for you to create change in your life, then leap, my love. Just don’t underestimate the power of a tiny action multiplied over time.
Q: What is honesty teaching you in this period of your life?
Honesty is one of my greatest teachers. She isn’t always easy to work with, but she provides powerful wisdom helping me build a resilient self and a life of flourishing. I hope this guide on the power of honesty serves you in whatever way you need most right now.