We’re all experiencing some sort of grief this year.

For some, you might be missing the presence of family and friends. For others, you might be mourning cancelled plans and celebrations. Whatever it is you may have lost this year, know that you have the right to grieve and that your pain is real, especially during the holidays.

I'm no stranger to grief during the holidays.

Six years ago on Christmas Day in the States, my family lost our Mr. Christmas—my Grandpa Larry—in the Philippines. Each Christmas since then has gotten a little easier as I learn to honor his memory and the Christmas parties he threw in new ways.

This year, a couple weeks before Thanksgiving, my mom lost one of her best friends—a close family friend, a loving son, brother, father, uncle, and friend to many. His passing was sudden and slow in a way, without a chance to say our goodbyes knowing it would be the last time.

Some days, it doesn’t seem real, like I’m half expecting my mom to say she has plans to catch up with him or that he’s stopping by to drop off food from Chinatown in exchange for banana bread, so we should make sure to stop by to see him too.

I can’t remember the last time he visited, but I can remember him telling us to not worry so much and take care of ourselves and my mom with a laugh that never hesitated to make the day that much brighter.

I can’t begin to imagine how his family is coping right now after hearing them share their holiday stories and cherished memories during his service. I don’t know his family well, but during a time of such grief they never hesitated to make us feel welcome and make sure we were fed. Their kindness and generosity spoke volumes and mirrored the kindness and generosity of a person who brought so much joy to all our lives.

We can honor our loved ones by honoring their life lessons.

In sharing this experience, I hope to honor him in some way. His way of being and his reminders to not worry, take care of ourselves and each other, and that there’s always room in life for great food and laughter will live on in all the people who had the honor of knowing him.

Sharing this experience is also partially selfish because it is one way I am processing my grief.

When we lost my grandma’s brother—my Grandpa Larry—that Christmas, I didn’t talk about it. I didn’t know how to deal with the grief for a long time. I let the sadness and regret build along with the stress and anxiety that comes with college and life until it was too much to handle. I spiraled into a push and pull of generalized anxiety, panic attacks, and clinical depression. Therapy helped tremendously, as it continues to help me now.

Allowing myself the space to grieve, including talking about grief, also helps. Remembering loved ones helps. So does honoring their life lessons: worrying less, taking care of each other, sharing food and laughter.

In a year filled with so much loss, we’re all experiencing some sort of grief and we all deal with grief in our own ways. Whatever ways you cope with grief, I hope you find peace and give yourself grace.

Be kind to yourself in the process and, most importantly, remember that you don’t have to deal with it all on your own.

Q: How do you practice kindness in the midst of grief?

For more on mental wellness during difficult times, read these posts next:

Mental Wellness During the Holidays
Life in Quarantine: How I’m Managing My Mental Health

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. All thoughts and experiences I share should not be considered medical advice. If you think that you or a loved one is experiencing symptoms of mental illness or distress, please contact a qualified medical professional.

SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357 (HELP)
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988
Emergency Services: 911