Disclaimer: Please do not self-diagnose. If you think you are experiencing symptoms of a mental health illness, please contact a qualified health professional. If you are having thoughts of suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

We all have mental health, like physical health. Mental health is not limited to people who have a mental health illness.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month in addition to Asian Pacific American Heritage Month, so this time of year holds great significance for me. I am a first generation immigrant kid of Asian descent (yes, Filipinos are Asians) and I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and clinical depression.

While more and more people are opening up about mental health issues, I grew up with stigmatized preconceptions of mental health in the Asian community. When I was first diagnosed with a disorder, family members would make superstitious assumptions that I was cursed by dwende, mischievous goblin-like creatures living in trees or rocks or the dark parts of a house. More often than not, I was told there was nothing wrong with me.

“You just worry too much. Stop worrying and everything will be fine,” they said.

How many times have you heard this when you opened up to someone about your worries or fears? How many times did you actually stop worrying and feel better afterwards? Maybe you did, but for those of us who suffer with anxiety, depression, or another mental health illness hearing something like this can make us feel worse.

What you say is important and, sometimes, it really does hurt.

In light of the COVID-19 pandemic, more Americans are experiencing negative impacts on their mental health. According to a Kaiser Family Foundation poll, almost half of adults in the U.S. reported their mental health being negatively impacted by the coronavirus crisis due to worry and stress. Pre-pandemic, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) reported that 1 in 5 Americans already experienced mental illness in 2018.

To illustrate the statistics, pick the last 5 people you called on Zoom, Skype, FaceTime, Discord, or whatever app use you to connect with people during quarantine. Statistically, 1 in 5 of your friends, family members, or coworkers could be experiencing a mental health disorder. Now using pandemic numbers, 2-3 of those people could be experiencing a decline in their mental health.

As we are increasingly connecting through virtual means versus engaging with people through physical or recreational activities, what we say is increasingly important. Whether you are well or not, if someone you know is struggling with a clinical diagnosis of a mental health disorder, please be kind and intentional with your words—you may be unwittingly doing more harm than good.

Here’s 5 things not to say to someone struggling with a mental health illness and 5 things to say instead:

Don’t say: “There are people worse off than you.”

Most of us know this, but it doesn’t make us feel better because you are invalidating what we are going through and it reinforces the negative narrative we’re probably already having with ourselves. This negative narrative can include guilt or shame for our feelings and experiences. You don’t need to add to that inner conversation of negativity by stating the obvious.

What to say instead: Nothing. Be there and listen.

I’ve gotten into the habit of asking people if they want advice or if they want me to listen because that’s what I would want before hearing something like, “There are kids in the Philippines who are starving and homeless.” I already know that; I grew up watching TFC and eavesdropping on conversations with relatives back in the motherland. Sometimes I just need someone to hear me out and be there for me when I’m struggling with my mental health so I don’t feel even more alone or isolated. I definitely don’t need you stating the facts like, “You’re privileged to be safe at home,” if I’ve reached out to you during a panic attack or depressive episode.

Your friends struggling with their own mental health probably won’t appreciate you saying that either. Be there for them instead.

Don’t say: “I know how you feel. I feel depressed/anxious too.” Or worse, “Everyone has bad days.”

Unless you have been clinically diagnosed with depression or anxiety, you don’t know how we feel. Even if you have been diagnosed with a mental health illness, symptoms and experiences vary from person to person. Making the assumption that you know how we feel or, worse, we’re just having a “bad day” minimizes serious health conditions into a trivial matter that will pass eventually.

What to say instead: “What can I do to help or support you?”

Don’t say: “Get over it.” Or worse, “Calm down.”

If we could, don’t you think we would already? Depression, anxiety, or any other mental health issue is not a choice; it isn’t a light-switch we can turn on or off. Telling someone with a mental health illness to “get over it” or “calm down” makes us feel so much worse because it makes it clear how little control we have in a moment of panic or crisis.

What to say instead: “You’re safe and I’m here for you.”

You can also ask the person what they want to hear instead. I like the reminder to breathe. Breathing exercises help ground me and it’s especially helpful when people guide my breathing during a panic attack. For others, telling them to breathe might be equivalent to “calm down.” If you’re unsure what to say, ask.

Don’t say: “You’re fine.”

You wouldn’t tell someone with a broken leg that they can walk fine, so why would you tell someone suffering from a mental health condition that they’re fine? It’s inconsiderate, belittling, and reinforces the stigma that we’re “making things up,” “it’s all in our head,” and that we should just suffer in silence because no one will believe us.

What to say instead: “I care. Whenever you’re ready, let me know what I can do to help.”

Don’t say: “Don’t be such a downer.” Or for those of you who know, “Don’t be such a KJ.”

Blaming somebody for bringing the mood down or killing the moment is so insensitive. People with anxiety or depression already feel the need to apologize for everything.

I’m sorry for bringing the mood down.

I’m sorry for ruining the moment and being a killjoy.

I’m sorry for talking so slow.

I’m sorry I’m shaking.

I’m sorry I can’t breathe.

I’m sorry for existing.

But most of all, I’m sorry for saying sorry too much because I don’t have to apologize for my mental health conditions.

What to say instead: “It’s not your fault.”

No, friend, it’s not your fault. Your experiences are valid and you matter.

If you’re struggling mentally, I hope you feel a little less alone. If you need to share this list with your friends or family members who mean well, but may be unintentionally impacting your mental health, feel free to copy the image below. We could all use the reminder to be kind and intentional with our words. And no, you are not a burden for asking for what you need to get through this day, this week, this year.

We’ll get through it together, friends.

If you or a loved one are having thoughts of suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.